My Happy Place

A couple years ago I took a psychology class from one of the most amazing professors UVU has to offer. She liked to be called Jan. Among her many talents were hypnotherapy and relaxation techniques. At the time, my life was hard and I was lost. One day, she let us experience this relaxation therapy in class. She turned down the lights, told us to get comfortable and rest our heads down on the desk. She talked to us, told us to think of our happy place and go there in our minds. She said we could create any kind of place we wanted. I thought mine would be somewhere in Hawaii by a waterfall. Somewhere beautiful, peaceful, warm, where I didn't have to worry about anything, and nothing could hurt me. I tried going there, but I couldn't stay. I kept being pulled back into reality by my troubles. Some other students in the class fell asleep, and she just let us be...but my mind was going a hundred miles an hour. Ever since that day, when I would find myself feeling anxious, panicked, scared, etc…I would try to find my happy place. But I didn't have one. I had no one where to go, nowhere that brought me peace, nowhere that I felt safe.

When Chad and I first started dating, we would go for Sunday drives up the canyon in his big truck. I can still remember it like it was yesterday...he would pull up to my house and as soon as I saw him get out of the truck, my heart literally skipped a beat. I remember how he looked, the way he moved, the way he smelled...and I couldn't help but smile once I saw him. Nothing has ever made me so happy. I'd climb in on his side and see two diet Dr. Pepper's in the cup holders, Lady A would be playing, he'd jump in, and off we would go. My favorite thing was riding next to him, and from time to time, I would lay my head on his shoulder...I just needed to be as close to him as possible.

Things were a little crazy for us at the beginning of our relationship, so it was nice to have a little place of our own to escape. Especially from the misunderstanding. The ones who loved us understood. But the rest of the world didn't. And how could they?

"Walk a mile in another man's shoes before you pass judgment." I wouldn't have wanted anyone to have to walk a mile in our shoes.

The drive was beautiful, almost spiritual. I felt closer to God up there in the mountains. Our spot was at a little park, there was a pavilion, and set of swings encircled by tall trees and a little creek. It was pretty far up the canyon, so we hardly ever saw any one else. It was just us. We would hold hands and walk around the park, then end up sitting at one of the picnic tables knee to knee, talking. His eyes were amazing (they still are); they were so honest, and when he looked at me, he REALLY looked at me. As if he was trying to memorize everything about me. We talked about everything, we laughed, and sometimes I wanted to cry because I was so gloriously overwhelmed in a moment that felt like a dream. We'd stay there for several hours, until we absolutely had to head home. The ride back always went by too fast, even though we drove slowly. I never wanted the night to end. I hated saying goodbye and watching him leave. Even though I would see him tomorrow, it just didn't feel right. That's how I knew I had to marry him. Then, I wouldn't have to say "good bye". And that made me happy.

Six months after we got married, I had to go to the doctor for a small procedure. I hate needles, they scare me to death. My anxiety was building and Chad wasn't with me. The doctor told me to relax (ha, yeah right), and I thought..."I need to go to my happy place." I started picturing Hawaii, and my waterfall...but it wasn't working. My anxiety was still climbing and I was afraid the panic was going to set in at any moment. Then I pictured Chad...climbing out of his truck, picking me up, driving up to our spot in the trees. I felt my heart start to beat slower, my grip on the chair loosened, and I got lost in those perfect moments.

I finally found my happy place. :)